Lesson One: Dealing With Preemies

If you don't already have a baby or one on the way, you should go get one, now. All the hottest celebs have them or have their orders in. Brittany, Angelina, Nicole (note to Paris, sperm wont get to your egg via your mouth. You need to use the vagina). They're this years black. Why would you want to miss the popularity boat by not reproducing? You're not a communist, are you? Babies are all the rage; these shrunken bags of flesh, poop, and screams...the endless screams. Imagine incontinent, senile old people saturated with water then reduced to the size of a foot long hot dog. Only babies don't taste as good with mustard. Over the coming weeks, months, years and possibly decades I'll be dispensing advice on parenthood from a father's perspective. All gain, no pain. Today we start with preemies.
Preemies are a subclass of baby. Normal human gestation is 9 months. But preemies, due to genetics, alcohol and drug abuse (the mother's. Not their own), or loud noises, decide of their own accord to vacate the womb. This usually comes as a bit of a surprise for the mother, who probably wont notice anything until her socks are swimming in amniotic fluid and the little bugger's got his head peaking out of there. Some preemies have been known to stick their hands out and wave them around in a pre-birth greeting that still baffles many anthropologists. But if you're anything like me you've probably not even begun to think about where this hasty,little creature is going to sleep. Of course the nursery isn't ready. It was going to be done by month 8 or 9, tops. But the major networks continue to put out first class entertainment night after night thereby making any home improvement job nearly impossible. Here's where the preemies miniature size can play to your advantage. Look around your home. What do you see? Besides squalor? That's right. Drawers. Drawers everywhere. In the bedroom, in the kitchen and in the bathroom. Every house will have at least one draw no matter how poor you may be. Simply remove whatever is in the drawer (this is especially important if you're planning on storing your preemie in the kitchen or garage) then line the draw with newspapers or old rags. Then, using a drill or hammer or a stick from street, punch a number of small holes in the side of the drawer. Preemies, like regular babies, need to breath. Please remember to do this BEFORE you place the preemie in the draw. Once this is done, lay the preemie gently in the drawer then simply close it. be careful not to catch your fingers in there. If you hear screaming, just ignore it. It's a preemies way of saying they love their new home. It will stop eventually.