Ever since the bank refused me a loan to start up my own nationwide chain of nursing stations for new mother's called "Tits for Tots (TM)" I've been looking for ways to make some money off my son. Let's face it, fathers, kids cost money. A lot of money. Not only do they need to be fed, apparently, they also need clothes, toys and several different types of travel devices: car seats, strollers and kiddy heli-copter. As a caring father you need to ask yourself: What are my options?
On the face of it baby modeling would seem to be an obvious choice to get your kid working for you. But what if you have an ugly kid? What if you have the kind of baby whose face makes the viewers question god's existence? If god really is dead did god die after looking at your baby? If you have an ugly kid your one option would be to sell your child on the black market for whatever you can get for him/her.
But if your baby is good looking and you want to go down the modeling road, there are other issues with baby modeling you may want to consider. Many babies develop body image issues. While this spurs many babies onto an early path of constant self improvement, it can also cause babies to develop less healthy habits.
Baby bulimia is a serious issue and an issue most pediatricians wont with a ten-foot baby doctoring pole. But I’m not afraid to tackle the hard issues. The issues others don’t want to touch about with a ten-foot … talking-about-things-that-are-hard-to-talk-about pole. Many babies, after eating, will spit up their food. This alarming behaviour can lead to a lifetime of coughing stuff up. Ask the babies why the do this and you'll get a number of excuses: "abh!" "coo" or "BLHMGF!" Some will just wail, likely due to the crushing weight of their guilt and confusion. The stoic babies among them will often doze off. While keeping unwanted ounces of their baby model frames may seem like a good career move, many doctors,(though not all surprisingly!) find weight loss in babies abhorrent. But it is important you engage your baby in a dialogue about their body issues. Why do you feel fat compared to other babies? Why do you feel the need to spit up? Don't you find it disgusting? Why are you eating so much if it disgusts you? Do you want to pay for all the dry cleaning? Having this frank and difficult discussion with your baby – I recommend bringing this up when they start bringing it up – will help your baby come to terms with their body issues and get back up on that runway so they can get on with the job of bring in the cash.
On the face of it baby modeling would seem to be an obvious choice to get your kid working for you. But what if you have an ugly kid? What if you have the kind of baby whose face makes the viewers question god's existence? If god really is dead did god die after looking at your baby? If you have an ugly kid your one option would be to sell your child on the black market for whatever you can get for him/her.
But if your baby is good looking and you want to go down the modeling road, there are other issues with baby modeling you may want to consider. Many babies develop body image issues. While this spurs many babies onto an early path of constant self improvement, it can also cause babies to develop less healthy habits.
Baby bulimia is a serious issue and an issue most pediatricians wont with a ten-foot baby doctoring pole. But I’m not afraid to tackle the hard issues. The issues others don’t want to touch about with a ten-foot … talking-about-things-that-are-hard-to-talk-about pole. Many babies, after eating, will spit up their food. This alarming behaviour can lead to a lifetime of coughing stuff up. Ask the babies why the do this and you'll get a number of excuses: "abh!" "coo" or "BLHMGF!" Some will just wail, likely due to the crushing weight of their guilt and confusion. The stoic babies among them will often doze off. While keeping unwanted ounces of their baby model frames may seem like a good career move, many doctors,(though not all surprisingly!) find weight loss in babies abhorrent. But it is important you engage your baby in a dialogue about their body issues. Why do you feel fat compared to other babies? Why do you feel the need to spit up? Don't you find it disgusting? Why are you eating so much if it disgusts you? Do you want to pay for all the dry cleaning? Having this frank and difficult discussion with your baby – I recommend bringing this up when they start bringing it up – will help your baby come to terms with their body issues and get back up on that runway so they can get on with the job of bring in the cash.
2 comments:
I hear mothers of Utah's prepubescent beauty queens make them stuff their chest with daddy's stinky socks.
And they say baby beauty pageants is cruel...
are cruel, not is. Sorry. haha
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