Only Jenny McCarthy Stands between your Kids and Scientists (and she is armed with a garden hose)

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Turn Mother's Day into Special Treat for Dad

As Mother's Day approaches many of us New Dad's are thinking the same thing: "It's Mother's Day?" You may be thinking,"well I'll just pop down to the corner and grab my mom some flowers or a chocolate bar or something, give her a call or leave a message on her cellphone and that's it done for the year." But there's another mother in your life casting you knowing, piercing glances: your wife. "But it's not Wife's Day! What does that have to do with me", you cry while deflecting her stares to your new born in hope that he/she will simultaneously develop the following skills: walking, talking,grasping, some basic ability to get and hold a job long enough to get a paycheck, basic monetary knowledge and/or rudimentary grasp of the barter system. All by Sunday morning. Barring that, you're on the hook for that Mother's Day Gift. So not only are you out of pocket for the gift, your baby gets all the credit! If you ever want to see your wife naked again you'll need to pony up a gift. And fast. But there is a way you can turn this to your advantage. First, offer to cook diner. Not only will this endear yourself to her, she'll have to watch the kid while you cook! Second, offer a massage with scented candles and oils. You're wife will already have all these things, you just have to ask her where they are. Once your wife has gotten your kid to go to sleep, lead her to the bedroom you've decorated with the candles. If you're feeling ambitious, change the sheets. You can even take one or two of the flowers you bought your mother and tear off the petals and sprinkle them across the bed. Once that's done get her to lay down. The great thing about offering a massage is that they're not often turned down and you don't really have to work to hard to get your wife to take her clothes off. And according to Stats Canada massages turn into sex almost 87% of the time. So don't let Mother's Day get you down. Turn a potential negative into an almost guaranteed positive for you!*

*This is not a guarantee

Baby Bulimia: Baby's Dirty, Spitty Secret

Ever since the bank refused me a loan to start up my own nationwide chain of nursing stations for new mother's called "Tits for Tots (TM)" I've been looking for ways to make some money off my son. Let's face it, fathers, kids cost money. A lot of money. Not only do they need to be fed, apparently, they also need clothes, toys and several different types of travel devices: car seats, strollers and kiddy heli-copter. As a caring father you need to ask yourself: What are my options?
On the face of it baby modeling would seem to be an obvious choice to get your kid working for you. But what if you have an ugly kid? What if you have the kind of baby whose face makes the viewers question god's existence? If god really is dead did god die after looking at your baby? If you have an ugly kid your one option would be to sell your child on the black market for whatever you can get for him/her.
But if your baby is good looking and you want to go down the modeling road, there are other issues with baby modeling you may want to consider. Many babies develop body image issues. While this spurs many babies onto an early path of constant self improvement, it can also cause babies to develop less healthy habits.
Baby bulimia is a serious issue and an issue most pediatricians wont with a ten-foot baby doctoring pole. But I’m not afraid to tackle the hard issues. The issues others don’t want to touch about with a ten-foot … talking-about-things-that-are-hard-to-talk-about pole. Many babies, after eating, will spit up their food. This alarming behaviour can lead to a lifetime of coughing stuff up. Ask the babies why the do this and you'll get a number of excuses: "abh!" "coo" or "BLHMGF!" Some will just wail, likely due to the crushing weight of their guilt and confusion. The stoic babies among them will often doze off. While keeping unwanted ounces of their baby model frames may seem like a good career move, many doctors,(though not all surprisingly!) find weight loss in babies abhorrent. But it is important you engage your baby in a dialogue about their body issues. Why do you feel fat compared to other babies? Why do you feel the need to spit up? Don't you find it disgusting? Why are you eating so much if it disgusts you? Do you want to pay for all the dry cleaning? Having this frank and difficult discussion with your baby – I recommend bringing this up when they start bringing it up – will help your baby come to terms with their body issues and get back up on that runway so they can get on with the job of bring in the cash.

Lesson One: Dealing With Preemies

If you don't already have a baby or one on the way, you should go get one, now. All the hottest celebs have them or have their orders in. Brittany, Angelina, Nicole (note to Paris, sperm wont get to your egg via your mouth. You need to use the vagina). They're this years black. Why would you want to miss the popularity boat by not reproducing? You're not a communist, are you? Babies are all the rage; these shrunken bags of flesh, poop, and screams...the endless screams. Imagine incontinent, senile old people saturated with water then reduced to the size of a foot long hot dog. Only babies don't taste as good with mustard. Over the coming weeks, months, years and possibly decades I'll be dispensing advice on parenthood from a father's perspective. All gain, no pain. Today we start with preemies.
Preemies are a subclass of baby. Normal human gestation is 9 months. But preemies, due to genetics, alcohol and drug abuse (the mother's. Not their own), or loud noises, decide of their own accord to vacate the womb. This usually comes as a bit of a surprise for the mother, who probably wont notice anything until her socks are swimming in amniotic fluid and the little bugger's got his head peaking out of there. Some preemies have been known to stick their hands out and wave them around in a pre-birth greeting that still baffles many anthropologists. But if you're anything like me you've probably not even begun to think about where this hasty,little creature is going to sleep. Of course the nursery isn't ready. It was going to be done by month 8 or 9, tops. But the major networks continue to put out first class entertainment night after night thereby making any home improvement job nearly impossible. Here's where the preemies miniature size can play to your advantage. Look around your home. What do you see? Besides squalor? That's right. Drawers. Drawers everywhere. In the bedroom, in the kitchen and in the bathroom. Every house will have at least one draw no matter how poor you may be. Simply remove whatever is in the drawer (this is especially important if you're planning on storing your preemie in the kitchen or garage) then line the draw with newspapers or old rags. Then, using a drill or hammer or a stick from street, punch a number of small holes in the side of the drawer. Preemies, like regular babies, need to breath. Please remember to do this BEFORE you place the preemie in the draw. Once this is done, lay the preemie gently in the drawer then simply close it. be careful not to catch your fingers in there. If you hear screaming, just ignore it. It's a preemies way of saying they love their new home. It will stop eventually.